


Tripping and Stumbling Into Every Awkward Situation

by Momma



Series: FILLS n REQUESTS [9]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Also politics, Beware, Culture Shock, Customs, Freak Outs, Lots of that, Mentions Slavery, Multi, Other, Racism, calm down karkat, crazy things, don't do that john egbert, food testing, john teaching karkat about humanity, mentions a lot of disturbing BS, mentions of cannibalism in chapter 3, mentions of internet trawling in chapter 5, post cannibalism, suggestions are very accepted, wacky hijinks, which I have to say EW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:43:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momma/pseuds/Momma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat, opening for him, glared until he spied his not really injured but definitely pitiful state. And rolled his eyes. "I knew you wanted to learn troll customs, but getting here like any other troll through ' hardships untold' or whatever, is ridiculous." Or, in Karkat-ese, you idiot, you're not bleeding to death and I can't tell if you're injured, but you look fine to me. "Get your fat sack seat inside." </p><p> </p><p>((Lord love a duck, I'm so dreadfully sorry!))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Worse Than Death - A.K.A. - Shower Check Ups - A.K.A. - Troll Customs 1

**Author's Note:**

> _I was inspired by this http://pancakestein.tumblr.com/post/14074573451/what-if-trolls-had-really-weirdly-hospitable-customs_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _So, there are some very big differences in Troll and Human culture, different taboos and so many ways one can stumble over one. I want John tripping over just about every taboo he can find, and I want him just as weirded out by normal troll customs._
> 
>  
> 
> _Maybe he touches Karkat's horns, maybe there isn't privacy in the ablution trap, maybe they eat from the same plate, or Karkat isn't opposed to stealing food straight from John's mouth? Karkat undressing John for the bath so he can wash his clothes as well? John putting on one of Karkat's shirts and Karkat getting embarrassed? Too much eye contact from either end? Turning up the lights too much?_
> 
>  
> 
> _I want about as much confusion and embarrassment as possible, and plenty of cute awkward teen-ness._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> This _is_ cute. I can _not_ resist. Someone, anyone, you can stop me any time. Just letting you know.

Okay, so John had been invited to Karkat's hous-HIVE! Karkat's  _hive_ , he had to remember that. And, floating around as he was, he worried he might be too messy to deal with. Especially after getting into a strife with Vriska and Eridan which delayed him only two minutes, but still! He was late! 

 

Settling to the ground, John staggered to the door, knocking. "Karkat? Can I come in, please?" 

 

He wondered if he sounded as pitiful as he was sure to look. I mean, only a few abrasions, really, but he was wiped! Eridan really knew harpoons! 

 

Karkat, opening for him, glared until he spied his not really injured but definitely pitiful state. And rolled his eyes. "I knew you wanted to learn troll customs, but getting here like any other troll through ' hardships untold' or whatever, is ridiculous." Or, in Karkat-ese, you idiot, you're not bleeding to death and I can't tell if you're injured, but you look fine to me. "Get your fat sack seat inside." 

 

 John did stumble on in, wondering how bad it would be if he just kind of plopped into the floor like a limpet. Whatever that was. 

 

"Alright, this way. Since you decided to be accosted by someone or something, I can't have you making my furniture filthy. Get in my ablution trap," he muttered, not rudely or aggravated, but almost kindly. It was...weird. John stumbled on after him and noticed his first big clue that this was something he might not enjoy as much as he would like to be clean. 

 

"It was Eridan and Vriska. I got caught in a strife," he husked out, voice a little over used. He shrugged as he waited for Karkat to leave. "It could have been worse with those two." 

 

Karkat nodded, noting that his guest was swaying and looking more frayed than he had thought. Perhaps he would have to be more a host. Not like humans didn't understand that. "Fine, fine, arms up." 

 

"What?" John blinked confusedly. 

 

Karkat sighed, knowing that Eridan and Vriska going at each other was a death sentence usually. That John survived spoke of his overall abilities. So, Karkat was to be much more able than usual. An injured guest was his responsibility. "Arms up, Egbert." And, without further ado, whipped the tattered shirt up and over John's head. John yelped, but Karkat was going to ignore his moment of weakness. "Pants now, Egbert. I'll mend them while you tidy up." 

 

John was wondering what wild hair had crawled up Karkat's ass, but was quick to do it himself when the troll made a move to remove those too. He even shucked his briefs, hands covering his dangly bits. Hesitantly, he cleared his throat, "Um, towels?" 

 

Karkat nodded, taking the discarded clothing and walking down the hall to what John hoped was some place that held towels. Please. John sighed and decided he might as well wash. Stepping into the glass-like area, noticing immediately that it was barely frosted and afforded _no_ privacy, he sighed. Oh, what the hell, John turned on the water, getting it as hot as he could stand it and letting it beat on his head and back. All those hidden kinks woke up and said, very distinctly, 'Ow, you bitch, what were you _thinking_ back there' and he groaned, leaning against the wall with his arms. "Remind me to never again be that stupid," he murmured, not expecting an answer. Not recieving one, he sighed deeply. "What the hell was I thinking? I could have been _killed_ or, _worse_ , missed getting to Karkat's!" 

 

"Missing coming to my hive is _more_ important that your life, Egbert?" 

 

John jumped, nearly loosing footing and only Karkat's hand grabbing his arm in the open air shower was what kept him upright. "Holy _shit_ , Karkat, don't sneak up on a guy like that!" 

 

The troll chuckled, letting his arm go and setting two positively enormous towels on a small bench set just so it was nearly hidden in the shadows. "I had thought you had heard me return. With all the talking going on, anyway. Of course, with your human ears, you wouldn't hear a earthstompingbeast if it was right beside your head."

 

John was able to notice that, no matter his embarrassment, Karkat looked far more relaxed right now than any other time he had seen him. Unsure of why and unwilling to mess with a good thing, he just shuffled around to keep his bits mostly out of sight and finished scrubbing away all those tender spots with hot, glorious water. He could just pretend it was his Dad making sure he didn't brain himself in the shower after doing something absolutely insane and death defying but completely wicked. That is, until Karkat suddenly joined him, also nude, and started poking his back and spine, not unlike a physician. Only, this one was naked and far too close to his person space and had _no regards to privacy_. Which, yeah, he had noticed not even two steps into the hive. 

 

"The _HELL, Karkat?!_ " john nearly jumped, muscled tensed, and then he groaned in pain. Ow. Double ow. _Fucking_ ow. "Fuck, OW, OW, OW, shit!" 

 

The troll grunted. "And that is why I'm in here. While none of your bones are protruding like some flag from your pink fragile flesh, it is my duty as host to make sure you don't die from things like internal injuries or things that normally aren't seen, you doofus. And, yes, I borrowed that from Strider. It seemed more appropriate than nooklicker or bulgesucker considering." 

 

John almost laughed. He did giggle and immediately regretted it. Ow. Karkat, satisfied that his bones at his back were working right, flipped the human over, John squeaking and going fifty shades of red and inventing a few more in the space of ten seconds. Satisfied that his ribs weren't outright broken, surprisingly long fingers poked his sternum and ghosted along his outer edges of ribs. John hissed when his fingers caught on his left side, yelping outright when pressure was applied. Karkat sighed and resumed his check, John screeching. "What the fuck are you doing, Karkat!? Stop molesting me, _OW_ , what was that for!" 

 

Karkat had John's hands, that had been coming to cover all the important bits, held in one as he resumed poking his stomach and hips, avoiding the juncture of his pelvis. "Did someone rip off your bone to cover your bulge, or are humans that defective to leave things like that hanging out?" 

 

And John noticed, quite quickly, what Karkat was talking about. And felt a flush cover the entirety of his body, but still! It was now out in the open and couldn't _not_ look. Karkat was, more or less, like a Ken doll. All smooth with a slight pouch where a normal dick would be. He did notice that there was a slit that was completely sealed at the top of the pouch, and made a two steps forward, ninety-eight straight down into Hell in guessing that would be where his "bulge" would come from. His head went right back up, eyes decidedly _not_ looking. "Um...Yeah? Kinda? All humans are like this?" _Wait no!_ "I-I mean, all _male_ human are like this! The females are like really, really different!"

 

Karkat sighed, possibly in relief. "Good. Having a bone removed is possibly one of the worst things I have ever seen. And while this is gross, whatever. you're not bleeding death from it, so no worries." 

 

And...he resumed and John just kind of bore it cause he really couldn't get away from Karkat without injuring something, like himself, Karkart, or Karkat's hospitality. Which, yeah, would most likely be the worst offense, no matter how embarrassed and horrified he currently was. No wonder trolls were not so hung up on things like this. He had figured naked lounging or something, but this was crazy. More sense was made this way, but still insane. And, after having his clavicle, his shoulders, neck, face and feet and hands checked over, Karkat stepped out and grabbed one towel, taking pains to get all the water off quickly and efficiently before walking down the hall into the room he had vanished into before. John, left to his own devices, turned off the water and followed - after drying himself rigorously to a shiny pink glow of heat and ruffled hair. 

 

And, he wondered kind of desperately if this was the end of all the embarrassing things and realized no...no it wasn't. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clothing shouldn't mean so much!

Towel in a death grasp around his entire body, John stepped to the door Karkat had entered. He kind of gaped for a moment, staring at the sewing machine, laundromat -esque washers and dryers, and the literal piles of clothing, some going into specific drawers, other hung, and a few more laid out to be mended. John's distinctive blue was like a beacon of light in a dark room, positively glowing against all the black and gray. His glasses started to fog in the much cooler room and he shivered as a warm droplet of water rolled down his leg, becoming a stab of liquid ice. Holy shit, it was almost _frozen_!

"Karkat?"

There was a beat of silence then "Yeah, what?" sounded from behind a large pile of the uniform black and gray. Karkat stood, pants on and giant sweater with his symbol emblazoned in light gray on the front in his hands. John very suddenly wanted that sweater because it looked damned _warm_.

"So, ah, any reason it's an icebox in here?"

The troll had an 'Ah-ha' moment. "You feel the temperature change?"

John shrugged, the towel slipping off one arm a little. "Yeah, pretty much. Even if it is only a few degrees, humans can feel the difference in the air and ground and stuff. Or, that's what I read once. It's different for everybody, but some are more in tune with their surroundings, more aware of their bodies, yada yada yada." He felt his teeth starting to chatter after a few seconds and he clenched his jaw. "Clothes?"

Karkat tilted his head at the piles. "Pick something that fits."

The nude, freezing, slowly turning literally blue human hurried to comply, shivering almost too hard to be real. Seriously, he could see his breath the further in he traveled and having damp hair and stray water trickles was not helping the situation. Sighing in relief when he found giant fleece-style pants probably two sizes too big but _warm_ and outfitted with a drawstring, he let the towel flop more firmly around his shoulders and head after he pulled them on.

Blundering around the increasingly darkening room, he grabbed at one of the fluffiest, largest, and most importantly _warm_ and _long-sleeved_ shirts like what Karkat was wearing. In fact, he was wearing an exact replica, sign and all. Throwing it on with a speed that would have done Bec proud, he squirmed it on and sighed as finally - _finally_ \- he was able to start getting feeling into his extremities. Turning to Karkat, he threw his arms wide as he laughed softly. "Warmth! And comfy things, sans the commando thing."

The troll hummed and John turned to look at him. The other boy was at the sewing machine, measuring things and pinning strips and bits like an expert seamstress. He hadn't even looked up! Not having that, the human boy lumbered tiredly to his side, huddling into the lovely heat of blood circulation and fleece and what he suspected was flannel because this sweater wasn't like any he had worn before but really really wished he had now and oh gravy train he was rambling in his _mind_ so he _must_ be more tired than he thought, but that was okay because he was blessedly warm and mostly safe, cause KK was here and he didn't mind that he had been forced into a nude examination right now, no sirree, he was glad he was well enough to crawl onto the floor, a chair, a pile of clothes, couch, what-have-you and just conk out, yes sirree-

"JOHN, WHAT IN BUMFONDLING QUADRANT ARE YOU FUCKING WITH? THAT'S MY SIGN!"

"I know, isn't it neat? I look like I belong to you, Kar-kitty," he asked as he started to giggle. _'Bumfondling'?_ He had to remember that...But _so, so sleepy..._

He swayed where he stood, yawning long and deep and blearily blinking the world back into focus long enough to see Karkat having what was either an epileptic seizure or one epic hissy fit. When he blinked next, he saw nothing else for a little while.

**KK THROTTLES ALL THE WORLD**

**  
**John came to see a mildly panicking troll-kid with a giant medical text in one arm, another checking his head. The boy flinched when some tender knot that he didn't know about until now - he had been _beat like a pinata_ for a while, pains tend to not pin point after a while, _okay_ \- was depressed enough that he was sure Karkat was feeling for his skull and wished desperately that he _would stop_. 

  
"OW, owwie, _stahp_ ," he groaned, hands coming up to cover his head and bat away the questing fingers. "You've successfully touched part of my brain. Feel accomplished. And no, I didn't mean that _literally_ ," he stressed when the gray flesh turned ashen white. 

When Karkat was continually silent, John felt that something in the universe was imploding and that he had to make the idiot loud mouth explode so that all his considerable raging could be vented. Hopefully when he was not in the room as his head was currently pounding in time to the gong going off behind his eyes. Wiping his face and tentatively trying to move above flat-on-back to elbow-propping-your-head-up, he sighed. 

"Karkat, I have no idea what happened, so you are going to have to fill me in. Slowly, please. My skull feels like I've gone another two rounds with a pissy Eridan and a blunt object. Something abundantly larger than his science wands." 

There was a startled chuckle from the troll, John blinking blurrily up at the clearly crazy kid cause seriously when was the last time Kar-kitty had laughed? 

"You claimed you were my slave, I went shit-stained ballistic, then you just...fell asleep. Standing up. Almost permanently broke your thinkpan when you started to fall until I caught you, and then I found your concussion. Which you _should have told me about_ , but you aren't dead so I'll take that as your fucked up idiot human luck." 

John snorted. "I thought it was a lot worse than that." Snuggling into the cozy comfort of the shirt and pants and possibly an afgahn because it was _so warm_...

He bolted up right, the world spinning as he grit his teeth and valiantly fought his stomach. " _Slave?!_ "


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews actually get results! I just got a review today literally begging for this to be updated. 
> 
> I felt all kinds of glowing joy. So I did with the first thought to came to mind: Grub Corn (or as I call it, Grub Chow) vs Popcorn. Popcorn wins because of reasons below.

Talk about culture shock. Karkat was reeling as much as John was at the knowledge that, in human culture, wearing someone's symbol was more because you idolized them!

Barbaric. 

What were humans  _thinking_ , really? Didn't they realise the amount of anarchy and submission people were commiting to be just like another human (was that possible? The thought had him twitching, the mere idea of TWO EGBERTS fucking with his think pan) or the amount of worship that was removed from the governing body and instead onto "idols"? And what of the governing bodies? Did they have a relationship with the people or a "symbollic-but-totally-not-really" relationship that left them completely open to attacks? 

Humans were fools and idiots, he supposed, which accounted for John. 

"Your whole race is just fucked up." 

The human just laughed. 

**JOHN, BE A DOOFUS**

**  
**John poked at his bowl of "Grub Chow" that was the human equivilent to "Pop Corn". It was...blue. And pink. "Karkat...?" he asked tentatively. "What is grub chow made of?"

The bright candy red eyes peering around the door reminded him of so many horror movies, it was unreal. Their (troll) eyes were, seemingly, reflective like a cat's. Onlt, the color reflected back was the color of the irises. Can humans say  _creepy as all demonic bred hell_? All together now...

John bit his lip to stop the giggles that formed in his throat, swallowing them back at a glare from his troll pal-honcho. "Retarded grub of a human, it's on the box, stupid! HERE!"

A multi-hued box came sailing into the room like a rocket, John catching it with his wind instead of his hands because, ah no. Karkitty could bench press a  _car_  and be all like, not that heavy. So, curiouser and curiouser, he took a blue piece and munched on it. Oh...OH. Glorious sweet gumdrops, these tasted like _fruit flavored candy_ and that was way okay. He tried the pink next, humming in delight at the explosion of Skittle-like flavors. Grabbing handfuls now, he shoved them in his mouth before finally grabbing the box to read the ingredients, because he could cook and he WOULD find out HOW, yes, hell yes. 

Oh. Oh...Oh  _no._  He lived in a lie. This was a  _LIE_. It had to be. 

Hands nerveless and face draining so quickly of color he looked like buttermilk in a John-shaped jug, he gently set the bowl of grub chow away from him, holding the side of the box in a deceptively gentle grip when he really wanted to crush the words away. Trolls were sick, sick,  _sick_ creatures. Why on all of the world would they use the  _blood of failed grubs as a flavor_ no matter that it tasted delicious and oh. Urp. No, gross. Puking on your friend's couch without what could be a legitimate reason was so much bad form. What did distilled _failed grub blood flavors_ even mean? And, oh, wait, manufactured. Mimicry. And at the bottom:  **Due to shortage of failed grubs, this company now synthesizes all flavoring. If you find fault with the flavor or coloring, please contact the BBB for _GRUB CHOW_ and let us know. Not responsible for random or sudden deaths, sicknesses, mental illnesses, or physical, mental, or emotional trauma. Your Moirails will thank us.**

"Karkat?" 

There was an enormous sigh. "WHAT, John?" 

"Your people are...cannibals?" 

There was a squeaky chortle from the food preperation block before the owner of said chortle appeared, a giant stack of sandwiches and a six-pack of Faygo in hand. "Used to be. Now most of our food items are fake as plastic and taste like cardboard." 

John just melted into the couch, going a lot green. "Oh." 

"Oh shut the fuck up," the troll admonished (gently). "No one has been hiveshit insane in sweeps. All of my food is at least tested." 

John peeked up over his glasses rims, blue eyes huge and freaked out. "That scares me more, I think." He let the box flop out of his hands. "Um..." He swallowed. "How are they tested?" 

There was a sadistic cackle as Karkat grabbed the remote and turned on the TV and Universal Grub Player (UGP) and hit play on _The Breaking of Fast Within the Establishment Called Tiffni's With_ \- well, the Troll version of _Breakfast at Tiffany's_. Settling in to watch the movie, the gray being didn't answer and John resigned himself to let it go for now, sipping on a Faygo and trying to not freak out or get bored with the non-action-y film of (apparently) Cinematic History on Two Worlds, Fuckass. Almost halfway through, John finally getting this film - _so much sense was being made and no, no don't DO that, pretty lady_ \- Karkat stretched out his legs on the now mostly empty coffee table before leaning over. He winked as he started to stage whisper: 

"They test the products on the public. I test mine on Eridan." 

John decided the plot of the movie was not that important right now and took a couch pillow to cover his face and ears, hoping to remove the visuals. 

It wasn't helping. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Candy

Forgoing the creepy  _not-made-from-grubs_ corn, John hoovered about three sandwiches and nursed a Faygo to Karkat's seven sandwiches and two Faygos. Sighing into the nice swaddled warmth of an afghan and the deliciously thick and fluffy clothes, the human teen plucked a grocery bag from his sylladex, rummaging around and bringing Karkat's attention to the inattention his human guest was displaying. Moments later, John was opening a pack of gummy worms, plucking his favorite flavor (which was coincidentally red) and slurping it quietly into his mouth, giving a low hum of appreciation. Human food, at least, was safe enough for him to venture into. 

"JOHN!" 

Ears ringing from the troll's mortified shout, the boy looked over, unable to speak because his mouth was full. It was indecent to speak in such a manner. So, he chewed quicker, swallowing and opening his lips to reply when Karkat slapped a hand to his mouth and went a little green. 

"Uh, Karkat? Hey, dude, wha'sa matter?" He reached back into his bag, pulling a blue one this time. There was a muffled shriek. He jumped, looking around for the problem, wind making his hair rise in preparation of an issue. "What! What is it?" 

There was too much silence beside him so he looked over to the figure of his best palhoncho bro and blinked at his disturbing face - disturbing because it couldn't settle on  _FUCKING OUTRAGED_ or  _OH MY GOG WTF_. Then his bag of gummies was tossed, making John cry out and flail, his blue gummy still in hand. The troll teen even went so far as to reach for it before the human kid popped it in his mouth holding his hands over it to keep the troll from prying it open. Karkat slithered back, face mildly green. "What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU ENJOY EATING SLURRY, YOU FUCKING IDIOTIC NOOKWHIFF DOUCHEWAFFLE?!" 

John growled, untangling himself to retrieve his snack, marching over and shoving the package ingrdient list into Karkat's face. "NOT slurry, you  _jerk_.  _CANDY_ , as in human candy!" he went a little green himself. "Ew. Ew ew ew ew ewwwwwwww," he whined, face wrinkling up and hugging his  _not-slurry-you-fuckass_ gummy worms to his chest protectively. "It's food coloring, Karkitty, not slurry, that is so gross, do trolls do that, why would they, that is soooooo gross!" 

Then the sounds of someone making out heavily on the screen filtered in ( _Sex in the City: Troll Quadrant Pale Sluts...)_ and they both started chuckling, Karkat's low and dark and rumbling John's much warmer, higher in pitch and softer. Before they knew it, they were rolling on the couch, holding their stomachs and crying in mirth. Cannibals and slurry eaters, dine here please. It was too much. 

After several moments, John finally caught his breath and gently punched Karkat's arm. "You fuckass, don't ruin me for the few candies that I actually like!" 

Wiping a red gossamar tear from his eye, the troll snorted. "Warn me next time, then. You humans are fucking deviants." 

John giggled a little. "You have totally not looked up some of the crazier porn or you would know that." 

Karkat made a face before accepting the fact. So when John went to clean up, he took out his husk top and got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not super long, but it was an idea. A very creepy/hilarious/gross idea. 
> 
> (IDEAS ARE APPRECIATED! ♥/♦)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Internet Trawling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! A good way to keep this story absolutely humiliating and horrifying for all is to give suggestions. I finally (FINALLY) settled on one of the more weird Fetishes that does make me gag like some moron - you have no idea, I was going to do something _HORRIFYING_ , but I literally could not handle the mere idea so settled - and I MAY add some more of the supposedly "Kismesissitude" human sexual exploits at a later date if I get enough Ayes. 
> 
> And yes, this is a filler chapter to get those ideas thrown my way. 
> 
> Also, updates will continue, but I have RL to take of first and sometimes that takes time.

Karkat stared wide-eyed at the screen of his husktop, his pallor getting paler and paler as he scrolled down the list of human vices - _sexual_ vices. In fact, his gastric sack was churning and threatening to purge what he had eaten that day and possible every day since before this one. If not for his gray skin, he would be "green" like a human. 

"JOHN? JOHN! GET IN HERE!" he shrieked, hands trembling on the edges of his computation device. The human kid looked at Karkat from around the door from the food block - apparently, he was in a growth spurt and needing more sustenance - brows up in inquiry. "WHAT THE BULGEBLISTER CHUTE FUCK IS _THIS_?" 

Those dark brows puckering now, the human teen made a noise not unlike a Troll, face showing his wariness. "Karkat...what are you doing?" 

The Troll snarled and made an imperious demand - he was stepping all over protocol where guests were concerned but this - this _eldrich horror_ had to be addressed! John, shrugging, came as bid, stepping over the pillows littering the floor in a not-pile and peered over his shoulder. Then recoiled as if struck, going very green. "OH MERCIFUL HEAVENS, WHAT ARE YOU _LOOKING AT_?" 

Karkat didn't dare look away in case something decided to come to life or something. "I DON'T KNOW! IT'S YOUR CULTURE!" 

John decided that he wasn't that hungry after all since he ran off to purge his own acid sack. Karkat was quick to join him. 

 

 

 

((Finding out what he was looking at is what you think up! Like what I couldn't write! ^^ SO, Suggestions? Internet Trawling on a human setup would be traumatic for anyone.))


	6. Quick Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need an idea - I'm kinda dry of what would or could be odd. Give me a RL issue and I'll see what I can do with it here.

Egbert was a toucher. Karkat supposed it was due to his human mammalian needs but it was starting to make him uncomfortable. 

"Are you trying for a pale romance or something, you great big bulge munching slurry eater?" he groused at normal volumes. The human boy just kind of blinked at him, poking the Troll with his toes again.

"What are you even talking about?" he asked bewildered.

They were on either end of the couch, Karkat kind of lazily taking up about half (and a bit more) with a wild limb sprawl. Egbert who was, astonishingly enough for a human, taller than him was mainly curled comfortably in his corner, covering in a hideously red knitted afghan that he had found somehow. Currently, the boy was kneading the couch cushions with his toes and on occasion poking Karkat to get his full attention with a question about the ashen rom they were watching. The gray-skinned being wasn't used to so much _touching_ and it was getting disgustingly pale. Again.

Sighing, the troll flung an arm over his eyes as if dramatically offended. "My great carapace, John, you don't know anything!"

"HEY!" Grubcorn flew to hit Karkat square on the nose. "I do too. Usually."

They settled again, the human forgetting his question as something suspiciously pale happened on the screen. Quadrant Flipping was usual in any Troll romance, but especially captured on film.

That toe again.

Karkat sighed.


	7. Racism? What the BULGEFUCK IS THAT?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're watching Remember the Titans. Karkat doesn't get it. Sadly, John does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always - any scenario is appreciated! I'll use it to the best of my abilities!

John had brought along a film for them to watch as well, using it as a short break in between the Quadrant Upheaval to cool off and calm down. For a boy who wasn't as into sports as most human males, this tended to be a favorite movie - Remember the Titans. It reminded him of his once neighbor, an old man that had grown up in the era of segregation and was one of the kindest men he knew. 

"John. What is wrong with this stupid picture? What are they even talking about?" 

Ah. Well. Embarrassing, really, but yeah. American history. Whoo. 

"It's like with the trolls, Karkat. That's human racism." 

It was quiet for a second as the brick went through the window on the screen. It was bizarre enough for the troll with the human male adults in a monogamous relationship while still showing diamond and spade undertones without acting on them at all, but...

"But you have the same damned blood gushing through your bloodpusher!" 

John smiled a little weakly as his eyes focused on the scene on the television. His hand fiddled with the red cover and his toes clenched in the cushions. "Their skin isn't the same, Karkat. And at the time, that was all that mattered." 

Wow, way to bring the mood down, John thought sadly as he stared at the screen. The stunned silence from his companion was a little worrying. In fact, if not for the continued rasp of his breath, the human teen would have been worried the alien troll would have left the room in disgust. 

"That's...stupid." 

It took a minute before John nodded, closing his eyes and listening to the men try and be more than their skin color - and succeeding. "Yeah." 

Silence.

And more.

Finally, "Humans are all bumfuck slurry swilling douche nozzles." 

John really needed a cuddle right now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was re-reading and BAM came this thought.

John was not unlike a needy, over emotional, cringe worthy lusus - or so concluded Karkat rather uncharitably. John told him to suck his own bulge in retaliation and then smirked when the Troll turned a little lighter in response with a snap of his teeth. 

"One question - are we, uh, ashen flirting? Or is it gray?" John hung off the couch, feet over the top, butt to the backrest, and head flopping off the cushion, baring an embarrassingly large amount of tender throat.

"That is the most horrifying question, what even, Egbert."

That startled a laughed from the boy, his arms hanging along with his head as he straightened his back and showed off just how really long his torso was - and baring his tender, uncovered stomach with that pitiful indent in the center, like a bullseye saying KILL SHOT HERE. It was depressingly difficult to have any dark feelings for someone so willing to be vulnerable in your danger zone. "I'm just trying to figure this stuff out, KK."

What a dork. "Don't use a nickname like that, idiot dong whiffer. You're not close enough to me."

John took that as literally, apparently, and wiggled comically over and further into Karkat's space. "You laughed at me for being upset at my own culture - I get to be as asinine and annoying as I want in revenge, you realize." With maybe a centimeter between them, he grinned while winking suavely. Actually in a suave and vaguely adorable-slash-handsome way, how was that possible. Then he poked Karkat. With his toe. On the ear. "Good thing for me, I'm stretchy and can do this for as long as it takes for you to apologize, _KK_."

But he was still an annoying human. "DON'T CALL ME THAT, DOOFUS!"

John laughed, poking the flailing Troll again with his toe. This time on his nose. " _Kaaaaaaay, kaaaaaaaaaaaaay_ ," he sang, giggling.

Okay, black feelings can live there, thanks. "Bitch."

All he got in response was a grin. "You wish," he cooed before pulling his leg back and flopping into Karkat's space. "I haven't the parts for that."

And he thought this sleep over thing was going to go smoothly...


End file.
